I am going to start with the good news.
I found a new therapist that accepts my Medicaid (state insurance). My appointment with her is tomorrow. I have had a couple phone conversations with her, and I feel it is a good fit for right now. One of her specialties is trauma and even complex trauma which isn’t technically in the DSM yet. “Complex PTSD”. She even follows a model developed for trauma survivors. Mike was all about not getting into a diagnosis and just talking and using transference to find unconscious issues. He was against the whole “This is your diagnosis, and this is how we treat it” method. Talking with her one day, she made it a point to tell me her style is completely different than Mike’s. They are colleagues from the same city and worked in a community mental health center together at one point. I told her I was seeking a new therapist because my old therapist stopped taking my insurance, so I think she wonders if I will like her since it seems the ‘only’ reason I am leaving Mike is for insurance reasons. But that isn’t the case. He has a whole load of stuff that has driven me away from him. She encouraged me to have my final talk with Mike to let him know I am moving on and to talk about what happened with us in that big fight.
So I did. And this is where the bad news comes in.
His whole tone and demeanor with me has changed.
When I started going to therapy with him, I explained my emotional pain and rage and the whole fight and flight mode I go through with adrenaline rushes and anger and words and actions that often ruin relationships. I was in therapy for that. He wanted to do this transference thing all the time. Like, if I complained about how someone upset me, he would want me to find that same quality in him that I would be upset with so we could therapeutically handle my dysfunction in that area. It didn’t work to well, but it lead me into telling him anything about him that bothered me. I figured this was a way to analyze what thoughts and projections come up. I noticed the dude started taking it personally way back. He would blush and get defensive sometimes. Instead of analyzing with me and working out why I may be perceiving things that way, he would defend himself. But it seemed we were going to work through it all. He told me how it would take us a long time, but we would get there. We would figure out who it is I really hate and who it is I really want to kill. (He insists my urge to kill myself is really an urge to kill someone else.) I had this feeling that even though things were sloppy alot of the time, he was there with me and we would sort it all out and clean it all up. Then he stopped taking my insurance quickly. And came up with a payment plan for me because I had no idea free services were an option. I would have been nervous anyway. I hate being given free services. When I told him I couldn’t afford it and I couldn’t do therapy, he was like, ‘OK’.
This broke my fucking heart.
What about all the stuff about us figuring out who I hate and who I want to kill? What about all of the times he told me it would be detrimental for me to end therapy before the transference work was sorted out? How could he be ok with just dropping out of my life when he knew he was so important to me?
And that is when I emailed him and told him off and he was so cold and mean about it. I emailed him later to apologize for trashing his name on the internet and to set up a time to talk. That time came about a week later. He called me, and I couldn’t take the call. I called him back a couple days later.
When he answered I asked if now was a good time to talk. He said, “It’s as good a time as ever.” To me that really means, ” I don’t want to ever have this talk, but if we have to do it, let’s do it.” This is what I mean about demeanor change. That isn’t how he ever responded to me before. Shouldn’t he be happy he finally got the TRANSFERENCE he has been looking for? Shouldn’t he be wanting to help me resolved it since this was what the therapy was about? So I explained how I had the seizure thing and then I got hurt and angry and felt I needed to fight with him over my pain. He urged me to get more medical testing done. He also told me he took none of what I said personally and he hopes it is OK with me that he didn’t take it personally. (Yeah right) I told him I can’t afford his therapy and I don’t want free services. He said he appreciates that. (asshole) I told him I want to go so this other therapist. He acted like he wasn’t sure if she would see me because of my insurance. I told him that I already talked with her and that she does. I asked for some money back because I gave him a hundred bucks toward this payment plan and it was to cover future services. I had 40 left that never got used. I wanted it back. He had two excuses on why he should keep it. I stuck up for myself in a respectful manner and insisted I deserve it back. He agreed but refused to mail it to me. He told me to pick it up at the office where we met for psychotherapy. This office is different than the clinic he runs in another building. I thought he was being a total control freak by not just sending me a check so I agreed to pick it up. I said it would take me a day or two to get up there. FOUR days later I went up there, and guess what…?? No money. NO envelope. Nothing for me. So I took myself over to his clinic to look for him. He wasn’t there, so I had his secretary search her desk to see if it was in there for me. It wasn’t. His intern comes in and asks what was going on. I told her. She seemed shocked that he wouldn’t have the money where it was supposed to be. I told her it’s no shock to me. He is unethical.
The funniest thing about all of this shit is him and his analysis. If I were late to an appointment, he would think that my subconscious didn’t want me to go the appointment. He didn’t put my envelope with any of the secretaries. What does that say about his unconscious???
I swear he is the therapist that won’t let his client go, but also won’t provide proper ethical treatment. I seriously feel held hostage by this dude. I am considering letting him have the forty bucks just so I never have to contact him again.
Maybe he can use the money to buy a blow up doll and name it after me. 😀
I don’t want to think much of it and obsess over it BUT
I am going to see a doctor tomorrow about a lump that appeared in my thigh above my knee last week. Out of the blue, it appeared. I was rubbing my leg, and I felt it. It is painless and really hard and does not move around. It seems to be about 7 centimeters from top to bottom and 5 centimeters across. It seems bigger to me too, but I could be wrong.
I really really hope it is not malignant.
My mom is a fucking bitch.
I let my daughter spend the weekend camping with her. BUT I have recently put up boundaries on things. Boundaries on things with my mom and with my daughter. My daughter had too much freedom and was hanging with the bad kids. Mike had told me that I need to be more strict with her. And I am . And it is working. She is much happier. I developed a plan for my daughter to succeed. It was necessary! She is 13 and had to go to court last week for shoplifting. If she gets in any more trouble, her shoplifting charge sticks with her. My mom just vomits all over me and my family. And I let her. She thinks she is in charge of things in my life and my daughter’s life.
Soooo what happened was: My mom let my daughter drive her van through a tiny town where there are cops patrolling, dogs running loose, and a little event which drew in people and kids. AND she let her stand on the back of her van while she was driving up a dirt mountain road. AND she let her walk around town and hang out with these kids that I am keeping her from being around. Nice huh?
Did I freak? I tried not to. I first found out about the driving and back of the van riding. I was upset and said she cannot do that. I said she can practice driving on dirt roads way out in the middle of nowhere with no cops around, but not in the middle of a small town. Also, never can she ride on the back of a van like that. That is teaching her it is ok to do with friends. My mom and daughter protested. They thought I was nuts. My mom was like, “She needs to learn to drive.” At 13? Through a town? They get their learner’s permit here at15. There is time!!! AND she is already in legal trouble. We are teaching her she has to respect the laws or she will end up with legal troubles all of her life. I didn’t even freak out over my mom allowing her around town because I wasn’t aware of the people she was with. I just said she is not allowed to do it because she is on restrictions and there is no need for her to be mosying around town looking for trouble.
But then, I found out what she did when she was in town. It’s a long story and not like it was anything terrible. But there is this one specific family I am keeping her from being around because they are manipulative gypsy types. I thought they were nice and sweet until I realized it is to cover up for their stealing and other illegal activities. I believe she picked up her bad behaviors from them. My daughter was with this family during her hour around town.
So this is when I freaked out! I called my mom to tell her what my daughter was doing when she was around town. All my anger and rage over my hard work to protect and raise my daughter with no respect from my mom on the situation came out. I felt like I am doing everything I can to provide what she needs and then my mom goes and says FUCK IT and does what she wants. So I just rudely told her what she was doing, and reminded my mom that she CANNOT go around town. I was also stern with my mom on the phone when she asked why my husband and I are fighting. I told her I can’t talk about that stuff because I have no privacy and because she doesn’t need to know about all of her fights.
This tipped her over the edge. She sent me a message on Facebook saying she knows I don’t want her advice but she is going to give it to me anyway because I need to listen to other people’s opinions. She then went on to say she worries my daughter will run away and I will never see her again because I am being too strict. I. Could. Not. Believe. It. Is she serious? What the hell kind of bullshit is that?
Let me first bitch over the good old, “I know you don’t want my advice but I am giving it to you anyway because you need to listen to other people’s opinions.” I really feel there is no need for me to even explain how fucked up a statement like that is. It is self explanatory, right? Or am I just way off and absolutely crazy? WHY push your advice on someone that you know is going to piss them off unless you want to piss them off? Why do I NEED to listen to other people’s opinions? I have been in therapy for four months to learn how to NOT worry about the opinions of others.
Now this mind fuck of her fearing my daughter will run away. WHAT? My daughter still sucks her fingers and has a blankie. And she is going to run away so far that I never see her again? What the hell kind of fear and manipulation tactic is that? We live in the middle of nowhere. Oh, let me guess. She will hitchhike to Mexico because I don’t let her hang out with gypsies. Come the fuck on!
I know what this is. This is my mom wanting me to fear those boundaries I put up. She is wanting me to question what I am doing so I can let her weasel her opinions and control back into my life.
I don’t know who you are, but I am trying to imagine you are out there. It really doesn’t feel like you are, but it is all I have to go on.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am surrounded by crazy people. I know logically that must mean I am the crazy one. But I don’t see it at all, so that must really mean I am crazy. However, I have thrown in the towel before thinking I am crazy and I really wasn’t. I just don’t know what to do.
Everyone has turned on me. No one understands. My therapist even hates me. It must mean I am really nuts. I am so scared and alone. I wish you would just hold my hand.
I think I hate men. Maybe I should just be a full fledged lesbian. Or maybe I just am so fucked up that I can’t have a relationship. I am so confused again.
Arguing with my husband seems to happen often now. Several times a week. It has been like that all of our relationship honestly. It feels to me that he takes no responsibility whatsoever for any of our arguing. I think he would probably say the same about me. I don’t see that as true because I have been going weekly to therapy since April, I am on an anti-depressent, and I am now seeing a neurologist to find out what is going on with me and my emotions. He isn’t doing any of that–at all. He isn’t even taking his heart medications or getting his heart related testing done as he should.
But I get left not knowing which way is up or down. I really feel he is mixed up too, but he blames it all on me. Especially because he can use the knowledge that I may be having seizures against me. He also uses things I discover in therapy about myself against me. He will be like, “You know you are combative due to these seizures, why won’t you just admit you are being combative with me?” Or something like, “This is one of those things you do that men don’t like.” (Because he knows I can’t relate to men.) So it feels like anything I do or say or feel or express, he has ammo to use against me just because I am actually the one TRYING to get help. It’s an insane state of mind he has and it makes me feel like I am even crazier than I am.
I hate it.
Blah, I woke up feeling weird. My mind was just doing it’s wandering off stuff that lead me to feel confused and strange. I hate these feelings.
I woke up and had things going through my mind. No idea what they were. I am sure I was solving some great mental mystery though. Then I am in my bathroom and it occurs to me that it is morning and I have woken up. Weird right? I know I woke up before I went into the bathroom, so why was it such a realization to me that I was awake and it was morning? This is the weirdo stuff I am talking about that just makes no sense whatsoever. So I was looking around the bathroom to see if that dejavu feeling was starting. Usually things look very strange. But they only looked a little strange.
Then I started writing back to my friend who lost her husband. That is kind of strange because coffee is usually the first thing I start on. Not a letter to a friend. Tom came in and surprised me. It felt like I was stunned he was there.
We made our way out to the living room. I had a strange sensation of abandonment and neglect. He was on his Ipod, I made coffee and was on my computer. His Ipod was clicking with every move he made. I have no idea why those things have to click over everything. I mentioned it and he seemed all offended and mentioned the things that get on my nerves. He was like, “I have to move to another location all the time because of noises I am making that are bothering you.” You would have thought he slapped me in the face with the way I felt over it. I felt like I was perceived as a major bitch and that I am a pain in the ass.
So I picked up my coffee and my computer and came into my bedroom. And here I am. Confused as hell over why I am feeling so shitty already when I have only been up for 45 minutes.
It really feels like that dejavu thing is going to happen at some point today.
I have my sleep deprived EEG scheduled for Friday. I have to get only 3-4 hours of sleep and go in at 10 am for the EEG. I have never had an EEG–not sure how long this will take. I have read that some people are asked to sleep for about a half an hour so they can record things that happen during sleep. I really hope this shows something. My MRI will take about three weeks to get scheduled. I really hope that doesn’t show anything. I would much rather have electrical activity issues than brain structure (or tumor) issues.
I have been doing some soul searching on the therapist situation. As much as I hate to admit it, I think it is definitely time to move on to another therapist. I love the things I got from Mike, but there is a certain level of care that I think I need right now. That type of care isn’t his style. I found a licensed clinical social worker who has her own practice and takes Medicaid. I emailed her to make sure she still accepts it. I am waiting to hear back from her. This is an option. That is really the only other option I see at this point other than a community mental health center funded by the government.
On the bright side of all of this, I am feeling much better. I have been taking Imitrex at the slightest inclination of a headache, and I seem to be much more focused and relaxed. Less nonsense intrusive thinking going on and more living in the moment and taking care of things with homeschooling my daughter. Through my latest crisis, we are up to date on this rigorous new curriculum and my sink is empty of dirty dishes. 🙂 I even enjoyed time at the pool last night instead of being uncomfortable and wanting to leave. I really am not sure what it is all about. Why, all of a sudden, am I fine? Weird.
I picked my first head of broccoli out of the garden yesterday. That makes me really happy. I am pretty proud of myself and my hubby for making the garden work this year. My first time growing broccoli ever!!